Haiti is breaking my heart

I try not to think about the babies and children who are hurt, scared, hungry, thirsty and getting sicker and sicker. And the mommas and daddies who are too injured to help, or just don't know what to do, or are lost or gone in some form or another.

I want to do something and am struggling to find what it is I can do. I first thought up a plan to coordinate a group of construction professionals who could come together across the Pittsburgh region to unite, design a project, tap into financial resources of their employers, and then travel to Haiti to build it. They could cooperate with an organization already on the ground which could supply language and logistical help. But I don't think it's fair of me to expect those people to do something that I think would be cool. They already have so much on their plates and such sparse spare time. And do I really have the time to create an excellent service organization?

Then I heard about the orphans that two young women from Pittsburgh were caring for in Haiti; and with help from a US congressman and the governor, had flown into Pittsburgh. We could care for a child, temporarily... or permanently. But we're not registered with the state to provide a home and the house needs just too much work. Besides, we don't live in a county that that organization serves, I checked.

I texted $10 to the red cross [the word "Haiti" to the number 90999] but that is not at all the extent of what I think I can do. I'm not a doctor or nurse. I can't design or lead construction projects. I don't really have any career skills to offer. I think I do a good job of being a Mom and I think I could do that but that's not a decision I can make by myself.

Would it be fair for me to leave Peleh for days on end with grandparents so that I can care for a different child? Surely I hope that we're raising a man who would understand that another child needed a momma, even for a few days, while Peleh would be just fine. But he's not a man yet... and maybe I'm too afraid he would be fine without me! And what about Noah? I have a house and home that I make happen here.

This feeling of wanting to do something has been a long time building. Since we started this new suburban-stay-at-home-mom life near Pittsburgh, nine months ago, I have been searching for a way to help people. I signed up to be an adult literacy tutor but that was postponed until the spring. I've been looking for a church home with a servant ministry program. I jot down websites and organizations every time I hear about something that Peleh and I might possibly be able to do together. I have continually found programs that are either not happening right now, are not really close enough, or just won't work with a toddler. And it breaks my heart every time I have to tell myself 'maybe next time'. I'm just not convinced that my whole contribution to the world is a polite, engaging, and well fed son.

I read an editorial that suggests, from a pool of research, that people get similar satisfaction from giving, as from sex and eating. And on every service project I've been a part of the conversation comes up: wouldn't it be more cost effective to have just donated the money I spent on transportation and food, to local workers? Well... in most cases, no... but the point is that the experience of the participants is just as much part of the outcome as the tangible service done.

I'll keep looking, and brainstorming, and hoping for my chance to love and sweat for the benefit of others. And in the mean time I do have a house and home to make happen and I can at least endeavor to do that excellently.